Why Men Need Other Men For Growth And Support
Men’s Issues seem to be a hot topic lately, but as therapists - it’s our job to interact with hot topics - and to attempt to initiate healing throughout our community. To create healthier families and communities we need healthier men and women - no finger pointing.
The first time I watched Brene Brown’s 2nd ted talk, Listening to Shame, I was struck and humbled by a conversation she described having at one of her book signings:
“I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. And it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing, said, ‘I love what you have to say about shame, I'm curious why you didn't mention men.’
And I said, ‘I don't study men.’ And he said, ‘That's convenient.’
And I said, ‘Why?’
And he said, ‘Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?’
I said, ‘Yeah.’
‘They'd rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us. And don't tell me it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
- Brene Brown, 2014
He’s not wrong, and her research on shame revealed the data to reinforce his statement. That being said, the data also prompted this quote from the same ted talk,
“You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man in real vulnerability and fear, I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman who's just had it, she can't do it all anymore, and his first response is not, "I unloaded the dishwasher," but he really listens -- because that's all we need -- I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.”
- Brene Brown, 2014
So, why do men need other men for support and growth?
Men Think Differently Than Women
“Male brains have more connections within hemispheres to optimize motor skills, whereas female brains are more connected between hemispheres to combine analytical and intuitive thinking.”
There isn’t much of a difference in how our brains are connected, but there is in how those connections are used. A simple analogy to describe this would be that I charge my phone with a USB cord, but that same USB cord could also power a mini fan on my desk. Same cord - different uses.
Because men and women are wired differently, men are able to initially understand other Men’s Issues naturally. Relying on your own understanding and wisdom in a rapidly changing and increasingly challenging world is more of a bad call than it ever was before.
Men Need to Belong to a Tribe
Our male therapist, Cameron Schober LPC-S, LMFT-S, who runs our Man to Man group at The Hope Place says,
“If we rewind the clock just a few hundred years, what did we as a people have? You had yourself, maybe a partner, offspring, and whatever tribe you belonged to literally to survive. Past the basic structure of the tribe, men often found themselves as the hunters of the pack and, back then, no kill meant you and your tribe could starve or dissolve due to scarcity. However, when hunters could band together with multiple sharp sticks and multiple brains on the same problem, the chances for survival for you and the tribe go up substantially.”
We have moved from sticks, to bows, to rifles, and now to electronics where we can push a button to inundate ourselves with things that are helpful or things that are hurtful. People do desperate things when their backs are pressed against a wall. While some men think going solo for the kill is the pinnacle of manhood, research shows that loneliness is as deadly as smoking and obesity, which should cause concern in our community. Going solo isn’t manly - it’s foolish.
Men Can Provide Other Men Room for Change
People who interact with peers and mentors show an increase in productivity and consistency.
In our culture, men are able to hold each other accountable for the ways that they interact with each other and their families in a way that doesn’t induce shame. They can get together, get real, and take action. Then they can account for personal and professional goals by meeting regularly.
“I’d be lying to you if I said you can know exactly how and what is produced when a bunch of guys get together. What I can say is that having a private space to express all those annoyances, barriers, life change, and struggle does have a positive effect on brain function and development. Plus, not feeling alone in the struggle FEELS GREAT.” - Cameron Schober LPC-S, LMFT-S
A place where we feel free to be ourselves without shame and judgement is important, but providing support for that environment is just as important. When we deny the help of others we deny them the joy of giving and service. Supportive Men’s Groups work because they combine all the life stages and life events to provide wisdom for the group as a whole - both giving and taking.
For example, a 23 year old man may tell the group that he’s devastated over a breakup and the group can encourage him to change how he picks who to date and how to behave in the next relationship based on their individual experiences and gained wisdom. Additionally, a 70 year old man who feels lonely and tossed aside because his adult children no longer speak to him and he doesn’t know why may be in attendance. The same 23 year old who was previously discussing his breakup may have experience with a father who expected too much of him and effectively pushed him out of communication. That is the beauty of a group. We, as humans, need to feel useful and helpful; like we matter, like we have purpose.
When we don’t reach for help, we rob others of providing it.
Men Who Need Help
If you or the man you love is experiencing the pressure to look, act, and feel a way that strips your authenticity and effectiveness - you should find support.
If you’re noticing that your marriage is suffering and your family is hurting, find support. If you’re tired of feeling like the problem, then it’s time for you to get to the best version of you that you can be, today. Not later, not someday - today, right now.
“The Secret of getting ahead is getting started.” - Attributed to Mark Twain
How to Find Help for Men
Look with Intention
Oftentimes, we aren’t very good at knowing why we feel displaced - so then finding helpful information can be confusing, irritating, and a waste of time. That’s why you should look for community with the intention to join the community. Your location will dictate to you what’s available, but here are some starting points:
Man to Man at The Hope Place is a group that deals with Men’s Issues in Mansfield, Texas. This group will begin in August 2022 and early bird registration runs through the end of July. This is facilitated by Cameron Schober who is a licensed professional counselor supervisor (LPC-S) and a licensed marriage and family therapist supervisor (LMFT-S) and graduated from Texas Wesleyan University in Fort Worth, Texas.
By searching your zip code in Psychology Today and filtering your search by groups, you can see what professionals are offering in your area.
By going to Meetup.com and filtering your search by area and men’s issues or men’s health can show you meetups that may or may not be facilitated by a therapist that are available to you. You can also use this to find groups dedicated to hobbies that you enjoy.
Volunteering Locally - you can find groups and gatherings at your church, your local Rotary Club, your schools, and various non profit organizations.
